Baby Only Settles for One Parent? What to Change First

One of you picks her up and she melts. The other picks her up and she arches, screams and reaches back across the room. Change things in this order: first the handover (the other parent starts bedtime from the top, earlier, instead of rescuing a meltdown at the end), then where the feed sits (so the last thing before sleep isn’t the one thing only one of you can do), then how the preferred parent leaves. Leave the safe-sleep rules, sick nights and your own feelings about it alone. It’s common, and it isn’t a verdict on either of you.

Why she picks one of you

Babies sort people from very early. The AAP’s page on the first three months says it plainly: “Like adults, your infant will prefer certain people, often their primary caretakers,” and describes that selectiveness as a sign “they’re starting to sort out who’s who in their life.” The person who feeds, rocks and does most of the nights becomes, fairly, the person her body expects at the end of the day.

In the second half of the first year it sharpens. The AAP’s eight-to-twelve-month page describes a baby who becomes “much more ‘clutchy’ about leaving you,” and says: “At bedtime, she’ll refuse to leave you to go to sleep, and then she may wake up searching for you in the middle of the night.” The same page is blunt about the cause: these patterns “aren’t caused by you or your parenting style.” So nobody broke anything. What you can change is how bedtime is built, because right now it’s probably built around one person.

What to change first, second and third

Work down the list and give each step several nights before judging it. Change all five on one Tuesday and you’ll never know what helped.

1. Change the handover, not the parent

A very common version of this problem is a handover at the worst possible moment: the preferred parent does the whole routine, the baby starts to fall apart, and the other parent is sent in to “try” with a baby who is already overtired and already crying. Of course it fails. The AAP notes that a baby “is more susceptible to separation anxiety when she’s tired, hungry, or sick,” and a late, mid-meltdown swap stacks all of it onto the less-preferred parent.

So the first change is timing. On that parent’s nights, they start bedtime from the very first step, and they start it a little earlier than usual, before she’s past it. Betteroo’s explainer on why you fix the timing before you touch the settling method is worth reading on why a baby who has been awake too long cries harder at bedtime, whoever is holding her. If the screaming mostly happens late, reread our notes on what’s really going on when a baby fights sleep before blaming the handover.

2. Move the feed out of the last slot

If she’s nursed or bottled to sleep by one parent, that feed is the bedtime, and the other parent is being asked to finish a routine with the last piece missing. The AAP’s sleep tips make the related point: “If you hold babies or rock them to sleep, they may struggle to go back to sleep if they wake up during the night,” and from four months they suggest putting babies down “when they are drowsy.”

The fix is to move the feed earlier in the routine: feed, then the rest of the steps. Now the part that sends her to sleep is something either of you can do. If she takes a bottle, the other parent can give it too, and paced bottle feeding keeps that feed slow and calm rather than a gulp-and-scream.

3. Change how the preferred parent leaves

A preferred parent hovering in the doorway, going back in “just to help”, or audible in the next room keeps the old bedtime running in parallel with the new one. The AAP’s advice on separations applies at bedtime too: “Don’t make a fuss over your leaving,” then “say goodbye and slip away quickly.” One warm, short goodbye at the start, then out of sight and, ideally, out of earshot. The mechanics of that exit are the same ones we cover in why a baby wakes when you leave the room.

4. Keep the other parent’s version identical, night to night

It doesn’t have to copy the preferred parent’s routine move for move. It has to be the same every night: same order, same room, same song or phrase, same dimness. Predictability is what makes it hers rather than a substitute.

5. Only then, give the other parent a fixed slot overnight

Once bedtime works for both of you, share the night the same way: a set stretch belongs to the other parent, every night, rather than being called in when the preferred parent runs out. Our guide to surviving night feeds covers splitting the night into real shifts.

What to leave alone

The crib. It’s tempting to put a worn T-shirt of the favourite parent in with her for the smell. Don’t. The NICHD’s Safe to Sleep guidance lists “loveys/cloths” among the things that don’t belong in the sleep area, and the safest setup is a firm, flat, level surface “covered only with a fitted sheet.”

The 3am armchair. The less-preferred parent, exhausted and determined to make it work, is exactly the person likely to doze off holding her. NICHD warns: “Couches and armchairs are particularly dangerous when an adult falls asleep on them while feeding or comforting baby.” If you’re fading, put her down safely in the crib and swap.

Sick nights. The AAP’s advice is to “try to stay with her as much as possible when she’s sick.” A fever or a cold is not the week to practise the swap. Let the preferred parent take it and restart when she’s well.

The daytime relationship. Plenty of easy daytime time with the other parent (the bath, the walk, the silly games) is the groundwork bedtime is built on.

The scoreboard. It stings to be screamed at by your own baby. It’s also, in the AAP’s words about this age, evidence of “her healthy relationship with you,” and in a few months the favourite may well switch.

What’s usually behind it, by age

Under three months: usually feeding and familiarity, so step 2 does most of the work.

Four to seven months: a good window to set up two parents’ bedtimes before separation anxiety arrives.

Eight to twelve months: separation anxiety is doing much of the work. The AAP says it “usually peaks between ten and eighteen months and then fades during the last half of the second year,” so expect a rougher patch even if you do everything right. Betteroo’s guide to the separation phase at night is a good companion for this stretch.

One of you does every bedtime? Betteroo builds a personalized sleep plan for your baby's exact age, with a routine either parent can run the same way every night. Take the 2-minute sleep quiz →

Worth raising with the pediatrician

Preference on its own is ordinary. Call if she’s inconsolable with everyone, including the preferred parent; if the crying looks like pain (arching that doesn’t stop when she’s held, drawing her legs up); if she’s feeding noticeably less or seems unwell; or if you’re struggling with how it feels. A parent quietly deciding they’re “no good at this” is worth talking about too.

FAQ: when your baby only wants one parent

Is it normal for a baby to prefer one parent?

Yes. The AAP says infants “prefer certain people, often their primary caretakers,” and in the second half of the first year separation anxiety makes that preference louder, especially at bedtime.

Should the preferred parent just do every bedtime?

It’s fine for a stretch if everyone is coping, but it leaves one parent with every night and makes each exception harder. Changing the handover and moving the feed out of the last slot usually makes sharing possible without a battle.

How long until she accepts the other parent?

It varies too much for an honest number. Give each change several consistent nights before you judge it, and expect a rougher patch if she’s in the eight-to-twelve-month separation window.

Will letting her scream for the other parent damage their bond?

Crying while being held and comforted by a loving parent isn’t the same as being left. Keep the other parent calm and present, and if it’s escalating night after night, go back a step. You’re doing fine.